I don't wanna grow up . . .

Rough day, still having problems with fatigue from last weeks flu. I come in and see a guitar hanging on the wall I special ordered for a guy about a month ago. He came in yesterday and decided he no longer wanted the guitar, AFTER he sent in the registration. They talked to him and told him after he sent in the registration, it was his guitar, since the registration is non-transferable, so he left the guitar for us to try and sell for him. So that has had me very frustrated for most of the day.

I am wondering again if I need to finally get out of music and get something that pays better and is a little more stable. I am getting so tired of running on the edge of the cliff financially, knowing one problem can send me tumbling over. A major illness or truck breakdown would put me in big troubles. It hasn't mattered that much with it just being me, I have had hard times before and made it through, but now that it is very possible there will soon be someone else in the equation, I have been worrying a LOT more about money. Plus, trying to find a way to put back the extra money I need for my trip to the Philippines this fall is making things tighter than normal. And the fact of the expense, and paperwork, of getting Kathlene here to the US is in the back of my mind as well.

I have already accepted the fact that even if Kathlene and I decide to get together, it will take around six to maybe twelve months of fees, paperwork, interviews, and whatever else the government can come up with, before we could be together permanently. And the clock doesn't even start ticking until we meet in person.

And I must admit to myself, I go through doubts about my career every year or two, so some of that is in the mix as well. I enjoy working at the music store, it has its ups and downs like any job, but I could see myself doing this for the next twenty years or so.

I know I need to trust God and seek His guidance and peace, but sometimes that is much harder than it should be. I know we need to keep on walking and keep on praying, even when it seems the prayers are just bouncing off the ceiling, that is a part of faith, to keep on going even when your emotions tell you to stop.

But that is one of the things I am learning all over again, faith isn't about your feelings, no matter how many choruses or hymns you sing, or worship CD's you listen to. Faith is keeping on going through the ups and downs of day to day life and not taking your eyes off the prize, no matter how tempting it is to just pick out a bench on the sidelines and just drop out of the race for a while.

I know I don't have the answers, but I also know all I have to do, for now, is to get up in the morning, go out and run the race for just one more day . . .